I just got off a very troubling call with Phyllis, the mother of a prospective client. She described that her son, Jon, who graduated last June from a prestigious New England liberal arts college, is living at home, staying up and sleeping late, and playing video games. He doesn’t have any career direction, but assures her that he’s looking for a job online. Whenever she screws up the courage to cross the threshold into his room to check in, suddenly his computer screen goes black, he snaps at her and she quickly retreats.

Phyllis called to find out about our services. Her anxiety was palpable. She’s worried about her son’s future especially in such a brutal job market. When I told her that I would be glad to talk to Jon, she replied that she was going to give him more time before bringing it up.

I got off the phone feeling bad for Phyllis’ predicament and frustrated. So many parents are afraid to be straight with their kids. They worry so much about making their children angry that they abdicate their role as parent. Yes, parents hover but are often stuck in neutral since they’re so determined to be friends with their children. It’s a lose-lose proposition. Parents are bottled up, aware that they aren’t doing their job, and feel helpless. Kids lose since their parents enable them and contribute to keeping them stuck.

So now I’ll get off my soapbox and admit I’m just as guilty. How many times have I held back having tough conversations with my high school or college age kids. Plenty. Especially about what they’re going to do with their lives.

Then I think about times when I successfully took the plunge. I’ve been most successful when I remind myself that I have a job to do as a parent and that the kids need to count on me to help them as their father not as a friend. I’m not doing anyone any favors if I back off since I don’t want to risk my kids getting mad and then not liking me. Once I get that, then I try to figure out what envelope I’ll use to deliver the message. I think about how I’m going to headline the conversation, express my feelings directly, and offer advice. Mostly, those conversations have gone very well. My kids sometimes engage but even if they don’t, later on it’s clear that they listened and thought about it.

So Phyllis, you’re at the controls and it’s up to you steer. Your passengers are counting on you.